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The hot sauce that has been around since the beginning of time is also arguably the most boring.
So if you find your intended sexual conquest requesting this at the dinner table be prepared for 7 dates to different bogan friendly burger chains or shit new high street try-hard Mexican joints, before an eventual night of awkward sex.
Foreplay will be over-the-shirt groping on the IKEA sofa watching Game of Thrones before the best 20 minutes of missionary position sex your grandparents could have ever imagined.
Dirty talk will be limited to “Oh yeah, sex, yeah”. Afterwards one of you will insist on cuddling until you fall sleep.
If you don’t get the fuck out of there before morning you’ll be married within a year and having sex like that for the rest of your life.
Tabasco sexytime scale:
2/5 dry vaginas
#2 NONDESCRIPT ASIAN SAMBAL
Always digging furiously in to that little jar of god knows what the fuck it is. Covered in some Asian writing, it looks like chili, smells like feet, and burns like hell, but dammit you like it so much you go back for more until you sweat out of your eyes.
You my friend enjoy an adventurous sex life too. You’re always the one boasting of that hot little Thai chick you pulled while on holidays.
She gave the best head, didn’t ask you to reciprocate, only wanted anal and left before you woke up, possibly with all your money or possibly you spent it all, you can’t really remember. You just know you had a fucking good time.
That my friend, was a dude.
Sambal sexytime scale:
3/5 taped up cocks
The trendiest hot sauce of them all attracts hipsters. People who value fashion above all else.
After a date of Sriracha doused cheap Vietnamese food, you’ll retreat to the local park on the back of a fixie. After sinking warm goon in jam jars whilst discussing an awesome craft beer/ knitting blog things start to get frisky and the crocheted picnic rug gets pulled up over your laps.
The dude will be sporting a top knot man bun, five inch beard, full sleeve tattoo and exposed ankles.
The female of the species will be wearing something that shows off her new dream catcher tattoo, and a mix of unflattering thick rimmed glasses, floppy hat and a pigeon toed pose that totally makes her thigh gap look bigger.
The male hipster will struggle to get his skinny jeans off, whilst frantically trying to finger the female. His advances to penetrate her lady garden will be thwarted by her chastity belt of vintage ‘Saved By the Bell’ leggings.
He will have to settle for a dry hand job before they both eventually give up and make a yarn spinning date for the next weekend. Fashion foils the hipsters fun yet again.
Sriracha sexytime scale:
1/5 chaffed foreskins
#4 BUNSTERS SHIT THE BED
You know anyone in to a hot sauce called Shit the Bed is going to be right in to bum tricks and proud of it.
They probably look like a really normal person on the outside, drive a nice car, have a good job, own an investment property and go snow boarding in Japan every year.
But be warned when that pretty little bottle gets pulled out of their well stocked fridge full of premium beer and champagne, you know you’re going to need a shower before morning.
Don’t let them fool you by talking about how much they just ‘love the flavor’, these people are backdoor bandits at the very least, but quite possibly full blown fetishists. If you suspect the latter before committing to going to bed with one of these people keep an eye out for tell tale signs - glass coffee tables, smelly fingers and plastic covered mattresses.
Shit The Bed sexytime scale:
4/5 cups of poo
#5 BLAIRS DEATH SAUCES
Sex with one of these people is something you will never forget, and will probably need years of counselling to get over.
Death sauce eaters are easily recognized by their steroid swollen muscles, tattoos, piercings and cutting scars. People who eat extreme death sauces don’t respect themselves or their genitals for that matter.
If they like swallowing red hot acid tasting liquid then you can bet they like it nasty in the sack. Or sex dungeon.
If you’re on a date with one of these people and they pull out a bottle of this shit, excuse yourself to the bathroom and then get the fuck outta there.
Sex with a death sauce lover will involve gas masks, latex chokers, ball gags, nipple clamps and deep throating till you vomit.
Death sauce sexytime scale:
5/5 gimp masks